Jay and Oh- Episode 06- Denial

His hands swiftly close in on my wrists, just as they’re about to undo his fly. He holds my treacherous hand in a gentle but firm grip. 
Pulling away, he releases my hand. He looks at me, surprise in his eyes. 
“I’m sorry, Oye” I say hastily, guilt colouring my words, in my own ears at least. 
He says nothing, instead staring at me with intensity. 
Feeling even more uncomfortable, I stand up, looking around for a hand-bag that isn’t there. Vaguely, I remember I didn’t leave my apartment with my small black leather bag. 
I try to keep the guilt and shame from my voice as I stammer, “I think I want to leave now”. 
Feeling greatly mortified, it runs through my head what I’ve just done, or rather tried to do. I not just only lost physical control of my emotions, I almost lost myself inside of someone who I fully know to be a peril to my emotional state of health. I almost laugh at the irony of it all, him being the one to first pull away, and me being the instigator of the act in the first place. Me! I can’t believe I almost sold myself short. It totally goes against everything I believe in. 
“But you really did want to continue with it, didn’t you” a tiny voice quips from somewhere in my head. The voice has a sarcastic cast to it, almost seeming to smirk at my idiocy. 
I stand up swiftly, making as if to leave. 
“No, stay” he says, his right hand moving to grasp the wrist it held only a few seconds ago. “Why would you want to leave? You’ve only been here a few hours. I haven’t even gotten you something to eat yet.”
He looks around, his eyes landing on his neatly arranged stack of plates and kitchen utensils in a corner of the room. He looks back at me, tugging firmly at my hand until I’m back seated. 
“What would you like to eat, I can make you… ” 
“Really, you need to stop pretending nothing happened just now”. 
“Well, we can talk about it”, he replies. 
“I’m sorry…” I stammer. “I suppose I got lost in the moment. It was a mistake, won’t happen again”. 
“Really”, he arches an eyebrow. 
“Of course. Besides, it was your fault”
“My fault?” He seems truly bewildered. “I wasn’t the one who made the first move. If I remember correctly, I was rudely interrupted in the middle of an important speech”
“So, that’s what it meant to you? A rude interruption”
“No, no” he says hastily. “I mean, you were the one who first planted your lips on mine… ” He trails off. 
An uncomfortable silence stretches for a few seconds. 
“So, did you really mean what you said earlier,” I ask carefully. 
“Every word”, he replies. 
“So…. ” 
“What” he asks innocently. 
“So, what’s the fallout”, I ask. 
“I don’t really know, it depends on you”
“Do you feel the same way about me?”
I avert my eyes. He really can’t… He couldn’t possibly… 
“No”, I say. The voice in my head is screaming yes. 
His expression is enough to bring a physical ache to my chest. He looks stunned, hurt, and ashamed all at the same time. 
“Oh”, he says quietly. ”But…. You…”
“It was spontaneous. As I said, I lost myself. Forget it ever happened”. 
I stand up, straightening the creases on my gown. 
“I’m leaving” I say, sounding more confident than I feel. 
He looks at me, saying nothing still. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me. I feel such shame, such fear, such conflicting emotions as I’ve never felt in my life. I simply can’t give in to this… Not after knowing what he’s done, what he did with…. I can’t bear to think about it. 
I move towards the door, leaving without a backward glance. Somewhere inside my head, the voice is still screaming.

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Jay and Oh- Episode 08- Musings 

When this was all done, she would bring Jane to her knees. Afterall, revenge was a dish best served cold. 

That was the most disgusting thing ever’, said Gold angrily. 

‘Not to talk of embarrassing’, added Zurah. 
‘What made you throw up like that, Jane?’ Galen was a bit more sympathetic. 
‘I’m sorry, girls… I don’t know what happened!’
Zurah looked about to burst open in anger. 
‘What happened!?? I’ll tell you what happened! You embarrassed us in front of all those people is what happened! What the hell was that for?’
Gold was livid with anger. Zurah as well. Galen was a little more sympathetic, but she seemed pissed as well. They’d been in the middle of sweet, juicy gossip when Jane had puked all over the table. The sound of someone vomiting coupled with the confusion and frantic scrambling of the other three girls had drawn the attention of not just the attendants, but the rest of the customers in the shop. The subsequent ten to fifteen minutes had been terribly embarrassing for not just Jane, but her three friends, and the physical mess was the least of it. 
They had had to endure the bemused, mocking, and sometimes sympathetic looks given by the rest of the customers. Apparently, a pretty girl causing such a scene, making such an awful mess was cause for jealous happiness among other supposedly pretty groups of girls in the same vicinity. 
‘I’m sorry, girls’ she said for the umpteenth time. Not that she was particularly sorry. What she was truly sorry for, was letting her emotions get the better of her head. If Galen was telling the truth…
The four girls boarded a bus back to Ikeja, from where they went their separate ways. 
Back in her apartment, Jane began to think. She couldn’t deny that she had a thing for Oye now. But he was dating Nadeen! Galen couldn’t have lied about what she’d seen at Chuks’ party now, could she? 
Oye had been her friend for a while now. She’d started catching feels for him sometime ago, she couldn’t exactly place when. It’d taken her a while to realize that she greatly enjoyed his company. He made her laugh. His compliments had started to mean more to her. She’d become more interested in his relationships with other people, especially female folk. She’d initially denied the feelings, imagining it a fleeting fancy. When it became more intense, she realized she could deceive herself no longer. She really did like him. 
………………..
At about the same time Jane was musing to herself in her apartment about what Galen had said and how it affected her own emotional well-being, Galen was thinking similar thoughts.
Oh, they all thought her naive and innocent. Stupid even. But she would eventually prove that she was the cleverest of them all. Especially to that bitch of a girl called Jane. 
Jane always thought she was smarter than anyone else. Always flaunting herself with her know it all attitude, trying so hard to be smart, without a care about the damage her big mouth could cause. Galen smiled to herself. When this was all done, she would bring Jane to her knees. Afterall, revenge was a dish best served cold. 
Galen had closely watched Jane’s expression as the talk had shifted to Oye and Nadeen. It was as she suspected. Jane was interested in the boy. Being quiet and reserved sometimes had it’s advantages. In her case, it had enabled her develop her skills of observation. She could read most people almost like a book, to a great degree of accuracy.
Galen smirked to herself as she remembered how Jane had gone visibly pale after she’d dropped the first bomb. Not that she’d lied anyways. She had actually spotted Nadeen and Oye kissing somewhere. The very sight had turned her own stomach, made her eyes red with anger. 
She’d known Oye for longer than any of the others had, since they’d attended the same secondary school. She would not allow bitches like Nadeen and Jane steal Oye from her. Afterall, he was her property. 
Galen smiled at the thought. He was hers. Even if he didn’t know it yet. He would know. In due course. 
Galen picked up her phone and began initiating the second phase of her plan.

Jay and Oh- Episode05- ‘El Apasionado’

There’s a tiny spot of blood somewhere on his lower lip, where I bit him, obviously. I touch my lips and they’re swollen. 

I am nervous. Oye seems on the verge of telling me something important, something I dread. Certainly not because it’s bad news, but because it makes matters more complex. 

I’ve always liked Oye. Right from when he saved my arse in that Fulani History class three years ago. He seems so…. genuine. Not many guys I know are like that. They all seem to want to impress. They’d go out of their way to give a girl a high opinion of them. Not Oye. He’s not perfect, certainly. He does have the tendency to go on unsolicited rants from time to time, and he’s too quick to help people in need, not realising that they’re using him, most of the time anyways. He’s a really good guy. But that’s not why I like him, after all there are many good guys. 
He nervously licks his lips as he faces me. His eyes are fixed on mine, and he looks like someone who’s about to deliver news of impending doom. 
“I like you,” he begins. “Not just like, but like. Like like. I like you very much”. He says all this quickly, hardly breathing. 
Then more slowly, he continues, 
“You affect me in so many ways, Jane. I really don’t know why I feel this way about you… ” He trails off. 
“I like you so much it hurts. I can hardly think straight when you’re in close proximity. I see your face in my dreams every other night. I don’t know if it’s a passing fancy or it’s obsession. From all indications, the latter is the more likely.”
“Delicious thoughts of you permeate my lungs. If you were white, you’d probably blush at my thoughts of you, if you knew them.”
He pauses, then continues on, 
“There! I’ve gotten it all out. Now you know why I’m slightly uncomfortable around you. Now you know.”
He looks at me like he expects me to say something in return. Actually, I’m waiting for him to say the magic words, to ask…. 
He slowly regains his composure, sitting up straighter. His tone is all serious. 
“I’m sorry if that wasn’t what you expected. If you don’t want to be friends with me anymore, it’s alright.”
I can see the pain in his eyes, the desire, the hunger. It’s obvious he’s scared of it. But what he doesn’t know is that I’ve been waiting for those words for a long while, anticipating them, while at the same time dreading them. 
“Please say something, Jane”, he says. 
It’s all too much for me to bear. Before I can gather my thoughts, my lips are on his, kissing him. He groans, surely surprised. And then, he begins to kiss me back. My hands move to grasp the sides of his face. His tongue is searching, caressing all of the nooks and crannies of the inside of my mouth, and I moan softly with pleasure. 
Lost in the pleasure of the moment, the kiss becomes more intense. It’s not a chaste kiss, the kind husbands give to their wives when leaving home for work. It’s not a telenovela kiss either, the kind with a lot of style and finesse. It’s a hungry kiss. If you’ve a wild imagination like mine, and you’ve ever wondered how a tiger kissing a lioness would be like, this is something close to it. 
Slowly, he pulls away from me. There’s a tiny spot of blood somewhere on his lower lip, where I bit him, obviously. I touch my lips and they’re swollen. 
“That’s my reply. Would you like to try again?”, I ask. 
He looks at me for a split second, and then pulls my face closer, whispering into my ear. 
“Be my guest”. 
Once again, our lips are locked together in a most intense kiss. My hands move of their own accord, pulling off his shirt. He obliges, only pausing for a few seconds to help me get his shirt off. My hands move hungrily around his hard torso. He’s not packed with muscle as you’d expect, what with the speed at which I attacked his shirt. He’s lean, in a hard way, just the way I like it. 
Not satisfied with just his upper body, my hands, the rebellious beasts they are, move lower, searching for his belt buckle, seeking to unleash the beast beneath.

Jay and Oh- Episode 04- What’s Up?

And just like that, Jane puts me in a tight corner. I haven’t been able to summon up courage to tell Jane how I feel about her. Yet. Now, it seems like I have no choice.

There comes the sound of knocking from the door, and I immediately snap out of my temporary hypnosis. 
My friend Gent walks in. His eyes immediately zero in on Jane. 
“Hello… guys!” he exclaims, his voice a note or two higher than usual. 
“Hey”, I say by way of greeting. 
Gent is a good friend of mine. He also happens to know Jane, whom he got to meet through me. We’re together connected, myself and Gent, in our mutual love for console gaming. 
From personal experience, I find that people make friends with who they regularly game with. When you’re in the middle of Modern Combat or FIFA happily/furiously thumbing away without a care in the world, there’s a type of clarity that comes with the moment, and the activity. 
Jane stands up, smiling down at Gent. As it happens, Gent is five-feet-six-inches tall. In a staring-down contest, he’d stand virtually no chance of defeating a six-feet tall girl like Jane. It’s amusing, watching them address each other. Jane looks him up and down smilingly. Coupled with the mini giant versus Goliath effect, the scenario is very much like that of a predator closely observing prey. 
Gent and Jane exchange pleasantries, and a few minutes later the three of us are deep into conversation. The topics switch at random, a huge tree trunk diverting into multiple smaller branches, each with even more smaller, more varied branches. 
We’re each seated a few inches from the other, with Gent to my side seated on my bed, and Jane sitting on the opposite sofa. 
After a while, the flow of conversation slows to a trickle. We each pick up our phones and begin checking social media updates. I plug in one earphone, and begin streaming the latest hip-hop tracks from Deezer. Being a great lover of music, I make it a point to subscribe to the streaming service every month. 
A message comes in, and I scroll to check it. 
“Hey”, the text reads. It’s from Jane. 
I instinctively look up at her pointedly, it’s not every time you text someone who’s seating only a few inches from you. She doesn’t look up. 
Mildly surprised, I glance at Gent, who seems too engrossed in his web surfing to notice my expression. 
“What’s up?” I type in reply. 
“Gent does seem to have a knack for being in the right place at the wrong time”
“He most likely just came to say hi, he should be off soon”
“Okay. So are you going to tell me why you were staring so hard at my face?”
I’m surprised at the swift change of topic. Frowning slightly, I type, 
“How’d you know I was looking at you? Your eyes were averted. You were staring at your phone.”
“Really”. A flat-faced expression smiley. 
“Okay, I was only looking at your eyes”. 
“Ah…. I see”
I wait to see if she’ll add anything. She doesn’t. Instead she looks up from her phone, facing me. There’s a mischievous light dancing in her eyes. 
“So, what’s so special about my eyes?”, she replies. 
“Well… they’re… okay. How else do you want them to be?”
“You were staring at my lips”
I swallow nervously. 
“Well, maybe a little”. 
“Tell me about it”. 
I pause thoughtfully for a short while, then I continue. I’ve been looking for a chance to give Jane a hint of how I’ve lately come to feel about her. I guess this is one chance. 
“You have a really fine mouth. I was just… looking at it. Nothing more”
“Hmm, so are there any other parts of me you admire, other than my lips?”
“Do you really want to go into all that?”
“Try me”
“Well, I’d say I like your physique”. 
“Oh…”
“What?”
She doesn’t reply. 
A few minutes later, Gent rises from beside me, announcing that he has somewhere else to be. 
“I’ll come around tonight” he says . He shoots Jane a glance before he leaves. The glance is so quick that I almost miss it. 
At the time, I didn’t know exactly why my friend left abruptly. But, as I later came to see, you cannot underestimate the manipulation skills of the the female subspecies. 
Almost immediately after Gent steps out, Jane drops her phone, faces me and says, 
“So, I’m all ears. You were saying…?”
“What? You know what I said,” I reply. 
She begins slowly closing the gap between us, until she finally sits beside me. Looking me in the eye, she says, 
“Don’t play ignorant with me. I’m not blind, and I’m not dumb. I see the way you look at me. I notice how often you lick your lips when I’m around you. It’s almost like you’re uncomfortable. If I was being extreme, I would say you’re downright scared. 
“I… ” I fail to properly form words to say, so shocked am I with her bluntness. 
Her looks soften, and she looks away. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she just became nervous. 
“Do you find me attractive?”, she blurts out. 
And just like that, Jane puts me in a tight corner. I haven’t been able to summon up courage to tell Jane how I feel about her. Yet. Now, it seems like I have no choice. I’ll have to tell her now, and she’ll laugh at my wild imaginations. I never thought I’d be lucky enough to have Jane feel the same way about me. But now, a different thought begins to occur to me. The thought that she just might like me a little bit, at least enough to not laugh at me when I tell her how I feel about her. 
And so right there, I begin to bare my soul to Jane.

Jay and Oh – Episode 03- Smartmouth 

Three years ago... 

I met Jane on a Friday, in Fulani History class. She was already late for the class when she ran in, panting slightly. Naturally, she drew the attention of half the class as she tried to quickly get settled down. 
“Why are you late to my class, Miss…”, Professor Grim drawled.
“Jane, ma. Jane”, she replied. 
It occurred to me that there was not a hint of panic in her voice. She was calm, not something you would expect of a Varsity freshman having to face the ire of a generally-dreaded-by-all Professor. 
“You haven’t answered my question, Miss Jane. I’m not fond of repeating myself ”, said Grim. 
“I’m sorry”, she said hurriedly. Then more slowly, “I woke up late, to be honest. I couldn’t have gotten here any earlier. It won’t happen again.”
And just like that, the new girl landed herself in trouble. There are two things you don’t do as regards Professor Grim. You don’t speak to her unless she first speaks to you. And you most certainly have to address her by her title of “Professor.” Simply put, you have to regularly punctuate every sentence you say to her with the honorific. Always, without fail. 
I unconsciously sucked in breath sharply. I turned to face the Professor, who was quietly observing the new girl. Suddenly, it went through my mind that something important was going to happen that day. I dismissed the thought, without a thought. 
Professor Grim began to walk towards Jane. Her slow, short steps echoed in the soft clack-clack sound of her heels clattering the floor. The class death quiet, all eyes turned to the back of the lecture room where Professor Grim stood facing Jane. She had crossed the distance between the podium and Jane in the time it took between a few heartbeats. 
Stunned, I watched on, as fascinated with the sure drama about to unfold here as other members of the class were. 
They stood a few centimetres from each other, with Professor Grim glaring in an evil, yet cool look. That meant big trouble. Jane stood opposite, trying to look anywhere but at the angry Professor standing right in front of her. 

“And who do you think you are’, asked Professor Grim cooly, “coming in late,  and disrupting the concentration of my class? Are you so rude and uncouth as to address me in such a manner? Perhaps, I should ask you to leave my class”
Here I must commend Jane. She took this all in without flinching, where lesser people would be cringing in fear. Despite the show of bravery, her face took on a haunted look as she frantically searched the eyes of members of the class. Her eyes were questioning, hopeful for someone to mouth a few words to her on how to placate the Professor. Most people turned their eyes away, afraid to meet her eyes, perhaps afraid that exchanging glances with the new girl would somehow bring down the ire of the Professor on them. 
Slowly, her eyes turned to mine, and everything slowed down. 
I found myself unable to tear my gaze away from her, so pleading did her eyes look. I mouthed the magic words to her. A series of emotions ran through her face, from understanding to, gratitude and determination. 
She visibly steeled herself and faced the Professor. 
“I tender my deepest apologies, Professor. I regret my thoughtless words, and humbly seek your forgiveness.” 
“Professor”, she adds a split second later.

 Professor Grim watched the new girl’s pathetic show of humility with a chilling coldness. It was a blatant show of insubordination, Jane’s apology was. I half-thought the Professor would somehow obliterate her on the spot, what with the way she was looking at her. 

After a few tense moments of Jane staring at the floor, and Professor Grim staring daggers at her, the Professor draws smoothly away. 
“Settle down”, she said dryly. 
Adding a threat to the dismissal she said, “Come late again to my class and you won’t be writing Fulani History exams, I can promise you that. With that ringing in the ears of everyone in the class, Jane certainly most of all, she headed back to the front of the class to continue her teaching. 

The class continued as if the disruption had never occurred. Midway through the final fifth of the period ,I took permission to go use the male toilet. My tummy was rumbling like a smoking crater, ready for eruption. It must have been a result of a certain proteinous meal I consumed earlier that morning. By the time I got back, the class was already over. People were exchanging greetings with one another, and the class was in a mini-uproar. It distantly occurred to me that the new girl was nowhere in sight. Brushing aside the thought, I moved to my chair to retrieve my books and bag. Picking up the white paperback History of the Fulani by Professor Samirah Grim, I noticed something written on the back of my book. It was in flowing script penned in black ink. I read it, initial surprise gradually turning into amusement. The script read:

“Thank you! I can’t believe that snotty Professor almost had me. You saved me back there, and you have my thanks. By the way, your dressing is totally horrifying. You don’t wear formal trousers on sneakers. You wear jeans!”

“Thank you! I can’t believe that snotty Professor almost had me. You saved me back there, and you have my thanks. By the way, your dressing is totally horrifying. You don’t wear formal trousers on sneakers. You wear jeans!”

Yours truly, J.

I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. It appeared the new girl was not just cheeky and smart, but daring and unpredictable as well. 
When I think about when I first started liking Jane, although I was unaware of it at the time, I realise it was from that minute after reading her message penned on my book.

“Jay and Oh”- Episode 02-” Brown”

I could stare at those twin brown pools for hours, not just admiring their beauty, but wondering what secrets they hide.

“Are you going to say something” she asks, breaking the awkward silence. 

You see, Jane knows full well I’m not a very churchy person. Being the spiritual lady she is, she tries to drag me with her to church every now and then. It doesn’t help that I drink alcohol as well; it’s the perfect excuse for her to preach God’s gospel to me, sullenly muttering about the indecency of drinking alcohol, which by the way occurs freely in nature and is in a way God’s own gift to man. She doesn’t see it that way though. 
I shuffle my feet in apparent discomfort and say, 
“I just didn’t feel like it”. 

A low “Oh” is all she says in reply. 
Eager to move the discussion on to safer waters, I change tack and say, 
“So, Jane, I don’t think you came on a surprise visit just to make me feel guilty about not going to church today. What’s up? Would you like something to eat or drink?”
She looks at me through narrowed eyes and says smugly, 
“Feeling guilty now, are we?”
Her demeanour suddenly changes and she says more softly, her gaze penetrating. 
“You should be attending church, you know that. Will you come to church with me next Sunday?”
Her eyes are all pleading, and her voice suddenly seems too smooth, too soft and just like that, my heart begins to thud. 
She doesn’t know it yet, but I’d do almost anything she asks of me directly. It irks my sensitive ego to be so biddable, but at this very moment, hearing that soft sweet voice, it’s like I’ve been put under an Imperius Curse. 
So as not to make my inner weakness evident, I slowly avert my eyes and pretend to think about the request. Turning back to face her, I try to sound patronisingly haughty but obviously, I fail. 
“Okay” is all I can bring myself to say. 
The smile that slowly spreads across her face is almost worth the dread that’s slowly working its way across my chest, the dread of lengthy, boring sermons, and  humdrum programs. And did I mention the tedious worship and praise sessions? I swear, my knees always ache like hell after standing for more than 30 minutes, clapping to the boring, hebetudinous rhythm. 
I sit beside her on the bed and watch as she picks up her smartphone and begins checking her social media updates and notifications as she’s apt to do between conversations. As usual, I begin staring at her face. 
For you to understand why I have such a soft spot for Jane, you need to know how she looks. Jane has brown eyes. Not black, not contact-lens-grey or hazel, but actually brown. The brown changes shade somewhere in her outer iris, creating a band of otherworldly golden-brown around her pupil, giving her a rather striking look. I could stare at those twin brown pools for hours, not just admiring their beauty, but wondering what secrets they hide. Jane has a broad nose, very unlike my pointy one. Further down, I can safely say that Jane has spectacular lips. The kind of full lips that make lusty eyes wet with even more lust. Her facial features are framed by an oval face. The background is a skin of mid-chocolate-brown tone. 
She seems engrossed with her phone. I take in her face, over and over again until I can see her face even when my eyes are closed.
Slowly, as if by an invisible hand, my face begins to draw close to hers, a human magnetic field, north pole drawing toward south pole as my eyes search out her lips, my mouth moving closer, slowly, searching.

”Jay and Oh”- Episode 01

She cracks open the door and peers in. 

“Is this Oye’s room”?, a small, voice says.
I rise up from my phone thumbing and pause, staring at the doorway, seemingly entranced by the sound of her voice. 
“Come in, come in”, I say, remembering my manners after what seems like hours. 
She steps in, taking in the sight of my room in all its ghastly glory in one quick glance. I don’t quit staring, equally taking in, or rather drinking in the sight of her. She is dressed in a self-made gown- as always- a pretty blue black sleeveless dress with intricate patterns swirling around the front. The cut is so done as to not over-emphasis but rather give tiny, but tempting hints of the delicate curves underneath. She wears no accessories, save for a small yellow band on her left wrist. Her hair is done in a Fringe fix, and she wears a pair of heels that goes well with her fine dress. 
“Hello Jane”, I say, my mouth dry. 
She looks at me and smiles. 
“Hello, Oye”, she says sweetly. 
She moves gracefully from the doorway and walks toward me, closing up the gap until we’re mere inches away from each other. 
My heart begins to thump loudly, deep inside my chest. I lick my lips nervously and take an instinctive step backwards. She pretends to not notice my apparent discomfort and instead says, 
“Goat! I’ve been trying to reach you for the past 10 minutes! Where’d you put your phone?”
I glance down at my phone on my mattress. I dimly realise I must have dropped it somewhere in the moment of excitement/semi-unconsciousness between her walking in and the immediate present. 
I look back at her, “Must’ve been the bad network”. 
I try to sound angry, frowning my face slightly, hoping to achieve the proper effect.
” Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? ”, I demand. 

The truth is that I’m simply unprepared for this visit. It’s totally impromptu. I didn’t expect it. My bedsheets are terribly rumpled. Books , cables and clothes are lying around slapdash. I haven’t had my bath, although it’s nearly 2:00pm today, Sunday. At least, I brushed my teeth in the morning. I shudder mentally at the thought of having to face Jane with a smelly mouth. 
Instead of replying, she plops right down on my mattress, all the while looking at me. 
“I thought to surprise you”, she says, frowning ever slightly. 

“Well this isn’t a nice surprise”, I  immediately reply. Realising that didn’t come out right, I try to soften the blow of my hard words. 

” But then, I’m really glad to see you”

The spoken words work like a charm as her small, delicate lips immediately blossom into a smile. 

I grin stupidly, staring at her. 

“You look really good by the way. Your hairstyle suits you, really it does”

She absently runs a finger through her hair and replies innocently, “Why, thank you.” 

Everyone knows women are strange creatures. The smart thing to do right after that would be to ask her when she had her hair done. Girls like that sort of attention. So, like the smart boy I am, I ask, 
” When’d you get your hair done? ” 

Still enjoying the attention, she replies 

“Oh, I had it done yesterday.” 

I mentally add, “and I decided to come show off my new look today”. 

Everyone knows girls are a bunch of show offs. They purposely dress super-duper-fine and do stunning makeup just to befuddle the minds of guys. And just so you know, my mind is very much befuddled at this very moment. 
Finally beginning to recover my wits, I move swiftly to put the room in as much order as I can muster on such short/non-existent notice. All the while, I can feel Janet’s eyes on me. 
I finish my, ahem, cleaning in less than 5 minutes. Partially satisfied, I face her and say, 
“Sorry about the dirty and unkempt room, I just feel lazy today”
She waves a hand imperiously, dismissing my apology. 
“It’s alright”, she says. 

Like it’s not her fault she came at the wrong time. Imagine! I’m having to apologise for receiving an impromptu guest unprepared. Like I was supposed to be prepared for an impromptu visit in the first place. Women! 

Wisely, I hold my tongue, not trusting myself to give voice to my sentiments without risking her ire. I switch to another topic. 
“How was church service?”, I ask. 
I immediately realise my error, but it’s too late. 

You see, a lot of men make the mistake of thinking they are smarter than girls. That’s wrong, wrong thinking. Even God agrees that females are by far the cleverer sex. They excel at manipulation and are great at twisting conversations. 
“It was great”, she replies. Almost immediately, her eyes narrow dangerously, just as I expect. 
Slowly and quietly, she asks the dreaded question. I almost have to lean over to hear her words, but I don’t. I don’t need to. Because I already dug my grave a few seconds earlier. 
“Why didn’t you go to church today?”, she asks. 

I fall silent.